mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize