I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
