I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Randomize
