u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
