I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
