Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
