so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize