She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
