so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
