Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize