Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
