You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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