I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
