My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I touched a dick in church today
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The adults are the big ones right?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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