You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
