I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It's Friday. Sex?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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