the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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