I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
