he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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