There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Houston, we have a blender
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
