Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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