I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
