"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
