True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
