my soul wont recognize me after tonight
barbara walters just said penis...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
