There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
