Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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