im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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