So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
