i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
