i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
