Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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