I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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