Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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