Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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