Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
