I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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