im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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