On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
