i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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