I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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