I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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