elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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