i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Randomize
