I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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