bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
please come you make the beer taste better
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
