When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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