I'd wear matching sweaters with you
we made out on top of his cat.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
