I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
