she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
