I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
