if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
