I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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