do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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