if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
