It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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